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Things that I think about right before I go to bed..

1. Why am I so dumb? Why couldn’t I have done things that other people can do?

2. What have I gotten myself into?

3. How would I be able to handle myself, trying to balance everything at once?

4. If I make that decision, will I be able to please everybody and myself? But why would i want to please other people when this is my life? Why do I always have to include people in my decisions when they’re not going to give two shits about me?

5. Why can’t I be perfectly happy with everything that I have right now? Why am I not able to count my blessings? Why am I always blinded by my mistakes, unhappiness, conflicts, and problems?

6. If I am so willing to make others happy, why can’t I make myself happy? Is it because I think about pleasing others so much? If so, why am I keep doing this to myself?

7. I need to break my routine. I need a change.

8. I know that some sacrifices must be made, in order to achieve my goal, but this really sucks because I don’t want to.

9. If I didn’t choose to do the following in the past :my major, personal decisions that i’ve made, hanging out with friends, extracurricular activities, etc, will I be much happier now?

10. Why can’t I realize that I should be happy now? what is wrong with me………

11. I just wish that everyone would be happy with whatever the decision that I make.

12. I don’t want to lose any friends after I make my future decisions but it is so clear that I will because some people will stop talking to me or disconnect the relationship only because i am not in their presence enough or I don’t put effort* to hangout with them or spend time with them when clearly, I am making my own decisions since I have a lot of shit to do that takes up so much time and they won’t understand and won’t give a slightest damn about it… most importantly they. don’t. care. But why do i?

13. Dear God, make it stop. haha

14. I am fully aware of the fact that everybody has their own issues and personal problems, but honestly I think some people have it easier than others. I’m not saying my life is the worst compared to other pepole’s lives, but I’m saying everybody has a different level of difficulty on different categories and that makes me wonder, I wish I would rather go through their shit than mine. I’m sick and tired of what I am going through. 

15. Whenever I notice that little “something” on certain places.. whether it is on the internet or hearing it from someone (or whatever the source is), that just stresses me out automatically. It is not my place to be mad or jealous, but I just do get a bit worried or pissed because I’m afraid of every possibility that I can think of. My over-thinking skill is beyond the expert level… Knowing that present is here for a reason, as a gift, and a precious time to be spent at this moment, why can’t I stop giving myself a bit of a break? Bit of a heart or a mental break? I want a proof that i’ll be okay again. I want to see myself as confident as I was before. Where did that confidence go jackie?

19. If there was more than 24 hours a day.. do you think there would be better things happening in this world? Or bad things?

20. Will I be happy tomorrow? What will tomorrow bring to me? More disaster-like events or ehhh normal day or a -wow, that was the best thing that has ever happened to me- kind of day?